.
The saying, “If you don’t receive tongues, you can’t follow God’s truth,” used to feel somewhat distant to me, but after reading these writings, it hit me like a visceral truth. My first feeling after reading was utter dismay at myself, followed by amazement. My own writing isn’t even worthy of comparison, and throughout the reading, I kept thinking, “The gap is this wide!” The power of grace was truly astonishing and enviable. I felt deeply ashamed that there was such an incomparable difference in the form, depth, breadth, and expression of accepting the truth—something not even worth comparing.
Over the past ten-plus years, I wondered what I had truly learned and felt. Could I stand before others and testify to anything about pursuing the truth here? I felt desolate, and my core values seemed to shake. I’d heard countless times from the teacher that without receiving tongues, you can do nothing, but facing that reality head-on, I now feel it in my bones: without tongues, without that power, I can’t do anything!
The way I accept the truth still leans heavily on intellectual understanding. My writing feels extremely theoretical, knowledge-based, and monotonous, with far too little coming from the heart and far too much from my thoughts—a fact laid bare. The Word is life, yet did I truly receive it as precious when I heard rebukes or the truth? Did I earnestly and desperately pray with tears over my problems? Did I genuinely rely on God? Strong doubts arose, and I realized how lacking I’ve been in deeply, meticulously observing and reflecting on myself, and in earnestly and desperately praying about those areas. I also felt how narrow my reliance on God is compared to others. In their writings, I sensed hearts that were earnest, sorrowful, desperate, and urgent before God. The breadth and richness of their expression of truth, the depth and scope of their words, stood in stark contrast—it felt as though their writings were alive, breathing with vitality.
Over the years here, I’ve seen how differently each person learns, feels, and accepts things—so varied, as unique as each person’s appearance. My own shortcomings compared to others became painfully clear. Am I not too complacent and at ease with reality right now? Why do I lack gratitude toward God, and why is there so little desperation and urgency in my heart to seek Him? Why did the teacher say I lack depth? Reading others’ writings, my level became glaringly obvious. What is it that keeps me from having that desperation and urgency? Why haven’t I received grace all this time? I need to reflect even more on why I can’t receive grace, why I’ll die without it, and why I can’t be a witness to the Word without that power. I hope this opportunity becomes a turning point, engraving this anguished heart within me, so I can earnestly and desperately pray to receive grace and follow God’s will.
.
.
.