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I pray and ask for forgiveness and talk how i hate my own sin and how i want to change, but in the end i always end the same stupid sin and feeling the same. I want to feel God but i cant do anything i propose myself to do, I always fail and i cant even call myself a Christian anymore because i feel so bitter and out of everything and hate in my heart. I just wish i could be someone else man, I hate myself
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When one continues to repeat the cycle of sinning and repenting, sinning and repenting, the result is what is happening to you. You no longer carry much awareness of sin; instead, you begin to take sin lightly, or grow increasingly bold about sin, or even become shameless and brazen regarding sin, turning your faith into a disgraceful one. Most of the faith found within Christianity today is of this kind. Yet your conscience is still pricking you about it. The tragic reality, however, is that many within Christianity no longer even feel this, but live with a shameless and brazen faith; and even the pastors who teach within Christianity present this shameless and brazen faith as though it were the faith of Christ.
Because consciences have grown more and more desolate, people no longer even feel shame, and as a result, their fleshly faith leaves them floundering in deprivation of heart, emptiness, anxiety, and spiritual dryness. This is because they do not have overflowing thanksgiving, abundant liberality, or the gentle joy of the Spirit. Instead, their faith seeks only their own fleshly happiness, success, and blessings, not the love and mercy that follow after the will of God. It is a faith that exposes its own limitations, for it seeks only family problems, business problems, workplace problems, relationship problems, children’s problems, and health problems.
He that loveth father or mother more than me is not worthy of me: and he that loveth son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me. And he that taketh not his cross, and followeth after me, is not worthy of me. He that findeth his life shall lose it: and he that loseth his life for my sake shall find it.(Matthew 10 : 37~39)
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, Meekness, temperance: against such there is no law. And they that are Christ’s have crucified the flesh with the affections and lusts.(Galatians 5 : 22~24)
But put ye on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make not provision for the flesh, to fulfil the lusts thereof.(Romans 13 : 14)
A true Christian is one who abandons all fleshly hopes, ideals, happiness, desires, and ambitions, takes up the cross, follows the love of Christ, and makes the hope of Christ—the desire to live according to the will of God—the very center and goal of life. But today’s Christians, unlike true Christians who forsake everything to live solely according to God’s love and will, believe in God with a fleshly faith, seeking only to satisfy their greed for success, happiness, and personal goals. Therefore, the fruits and evidence of love recorded in the Scriptures can never be found in them. Instead, because they pursue greed, their consciences are gradually dying, and the tragic reality is that they are left floundering in spiritual poverty and wretchedness.
And even as they did not like to retain God in their knowledge, God gave them over to a reprobate mind, to do those things which are not convenient; Being filled with all unrighteousness, fornication, wickedness, covetousness, maliciousness; full of envy, murder, debate, deceit, malignity; whisperers, Backbiters, haters of God, despiteful, proud, boasters, inventors of evil things, disobedient to parents, Without understanding, covenantbreakers, without natural affection, implacable, unmerciful: Who knowing the judgment of God, that they which commit such things are worthy of death, not only do the same, but have pleasure in them that do them.(Romans 1 : 28~32)
Merely concealing it without openly expressing it, the form of Christians who pretend to be holy, kind, and good while harboring duplicity is utter devastation. Therefore, since all Christians lack abundant liberality, overflowing thanksgiving, and the beauty of love and mercy, their hearts are filled with all manner of discontent that springs from pursuing only their own desires, and upon this, various emotional sins accumulate. The sins of Christians—who do not realize that envy, jealousy, strife, lust, pride, hatred, and falsehood, these seven emotions, are worthy of death—corrupt and desolate the conscience. This very phenomenon is manifesting in you.