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I’ve never really felt complete without him. It all started when I came to America really, I tried so hard to fit that I let myself go. I did things I promised myself I’d never do and I feel absolutely wrecked. I’m tired of blaming people because it’s my fault. I’m a hurt person and I accept that I’m difficult to love. I don’t even love myself. I just want God to live and help me see me through his eyes. I don’t wanna be depressed anymore, I don’t wanna chase validation from older folks anymore. I really want a change in path. Life without God’s direction is truly bound for destruction. All I ever listen to are sad songs and I can’t even cry to them anymore, I just need help. And nobody understands that :(.
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Sorrow within wounds is like struggling in the mire of death. The result of being unconsciously trapped inside a wall of one’s own making is a desolate desert where hope, joy, the value of life, and ideals all vanish. The reason one must live and die in such a life is because the conscience gradually becomes desolate. Life increasingly wears down under the burdens of the world, the heart grows weary, deprived, and empty, causing faith itself to dry up. An excessive sensitivity that is easily wounded even by the smallest things will make your life all the more difficult.
God allows us to be wounded because of our sins. The measure of this penalty comes from the sins we are bound to commit from birth. As it is written in Romans 1:28–32, the seven sins—envy, jealousy, hatred, pride, lust, falsehood, and wrath—are sins worthy of death. People alike guard themselves against outward sins and may reflect upon them, yet regarding the sins hidden within, they grow dull, or treat them lightly, or become accustomed to them, so that they grow bolder, more confident, and shameless. Such disgraceful faith is found in abundance among Christians. Even while they sin and repent, their faith is caught in a vicious cycle of turning back to commit sin again, so that the spirit which bears God’s character—the conscience—becomes ever more desolate, and the heart increasingly poor and empty.
Every person, whether they believe in any religion or even in God, is subject to the work of seven demons. To those who harbor envy, the spirit of envy works; to those who harbor jealousy, the spirit of jealousy works; to those who harbor hatred, the spirit of hatred works; to those who harbor pride, the spirit of pride works; to those who harbor lust, the spirit of lust works; to those who practice falsehood, the spirit of falsehood works; to those who harbor anger and wrath, the spirit of anger and wrath works. In other words, every human being is influenced by these seven spirits of emotion. Therefore, anyone who harbors such emotions in which the seven demons work cannot help but repeat sin until death. This is why all Christians alike, even while repenting, continue the habit of returning to commit sin until the end of their lives. Thus, the Word warns us not to believe a sermon no matter how good it may sound, for such sermons merely advance human claims, and the preachers themselves also have corrupt hearts in which the seven disgraceful spirits of emotion are at work.
He that hateth dissembleth with his lips, and layeth up deceit within him; When he speaketh fair, believe him not: for there are seven abominations in his heart.(Proverbs 26 : 24~28)
You also must understand that it is not you relying on God, but rather God Himself who is guiding you through your conscience so that you may find the right path. Because your entire life has been a fleshly life devoted only to your own happiness, blessings, and success, the result has been nothing more than the loss of conscience in a life driven solely by your own moods and emotions.
Faith that follows the love of Christ, that sets its goal on the life of Christ, and that pursues the hope of Christ, leads one to dwell in abundant liberality, overflowing thanksgiving, and gentle joy that work within a heart that is otherwise perishing and desolate—so that gratitude and gladness increase ever more richly within the grace of God. The command to repent means to cast aside the worldly and fleshly life that can do nothing but commit sin until death, and instead to take up the cross, even to the point of laying down your life, so that the love of God may be supplied as the love of Christ becomes your pursuit and the hope of Christ your goal. Only those who deny and abandon the fleshly life—which is the root cause of continually piling up sins through lust and greed all their lives—and choose the life of a true Christian, can truly be reborn, renewed, and transformed in the repentance of Christ.
All scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness: That the man of God may be perfect, throughly furnished unto all good works.(2 Timothy 3 : 16~17)
For the grace of God that bringeth salvation hath appeared to all men, Teaching us that, denying ungodliness and worldly lusts, we should live soberly, righteously, and godly, in this present world; Looking for that blessed hope, and the glorious appearing of the great God and our Saviour Jesus Christ; Who gave himself for us, that he might redeem us from all iniquity, and purify unto himself a peculiar people, zealous of good works…(Titus 2 : 11~15)
Know ye not, that to whom ye yield yourselves servants to obey, his servants ye are to whom ye obey; whether of sin unto death, or of obedience unto righteousness? But God be thanked, that ye were the servants of sin, but ye have obeyed from the heart that form of doctrine which was delivered you. Being then made free from sin, ye became the servants of righteousness.(Romans 6 : 16~18)
The repentance of Christians, who pile up sins until death, is no different from a child’s written apology. The true purpose of repentance is to turn away so that sin is never committed again. Yet the repentance of Christians is nothing more than an empty form, for it cannot surpass the limits of humanity, and thus remains a repentance that can do nothing but repeat sins until death. No matter how much one seeks God, unless a person lives the life of Christ—pursuing the love of Christ and setting as their goal the hope of Christ—they can never be reborn, renewed, and transformed. Only within the love of God, wherein His power is revealed, can one put to death the sinful habits and members of the flesh that inevitably lead to repeated sin.
Spending a lifetime teaching only words and theories, awakening and stirring with lessons and emotions that are rooted only in words and theories, can never prevent one from falling again before the cycle of repeated sin. The countless awakenings, resolutions, and determinations stirred by man’s teaching and emotions lead only to reliance upon oneself—repeating one’s own awakenings, self-pride, confidence, and determinations—yet they can never abolish the sinful habits that are bound to be repeated. The only way to put to death the evil habits and members of the flesh that inevitably repeat sin is through the love of God alone.
Whosoever abideth in him sinneth not: whosoever sinneth hath not seen him, neither known him. Little children, let no man deceive you: he that doeth righteousness is righteous, even as he is righteous. He that committeth sin is of the devil; for the devil sinneth from the beginning. For this purpose the Son of God was manifested, that he might destroy the works of the devil. Whosoever is born of God doth not commit sin; for his seed remaineth in him: and he cannot sin, because he is born of God. In this the children of God are manifest, and the children of the devil: whosoever doeth not righteousness is not of God, neither he that loveth not his brother.(1 John 3 : 6~10)
But God be thanked, that ye were the servants of sin, but ye have obeyed from the heart that form of doctrine which was delivered you. Being then made free from sin, ye became the servants of righteousness. I speak after the manner of men because of the infirmity of your flesh: for as ye have yielded your members servants to uncleanness and to iniquity unto iniquity; even so now yield your members servants to righteousness unto holiness. For when ye were the servants of sin, ye were free from righteousness. What fruit had ye then in those things whereof ye are now ashamed? for the end of those things is death. But now being made free from sin, and become servants to God, ye have your fruit unto holiness, and the end everlasting life. For the wages of sin is death; but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.(Romans 6 : 17~23)
The living and active power of God that leads one out of the human limitation of endlessly repeating sin by following greed and desire, and that guides one to bear beautiful fruit, is revealed only within the love of God. To receive this love can be attained only by those who, holding the hope of Christ, seek to live the true Christian life whose goal is the love of the cross—a love for which even one’s life is laid down.
The reason your heart feels deprived, empty, and anxious is because your conscience has become increasingly desolate, shaken from its very root. It feels as though your heart has no foundation, drifting like floating clouds. This is the symptom of a conscience dying because of sin. Yet the world you live in teaches and learns in ignorance, not knowing that conscience itself is the spirit. Even pastors, who no longer feel the pangs of conscience, teach that they are spiritual, but they are already straying from the Word of God. Churches filled with sorcery and divinations that call upon false spirits and demons are nothing more than rotten religions, reeking with every foul stench.
For behold this selfsame thing, that ye sorrowed after a godly sort, what carefulness it wrought in you, yea, what clearing of yourselves, yea, what indignation, yea, what fear, yea, what vehement desire, yea, what zeal, yea, what revenge! In all things ye have approved yourselves to be clear in this matter.(2 Corinthians 7 : 11)
And every man that hath this hope in him purifieth himself, even as he is pure.(1 John 3 : 3)
Christians, straying from the Word of God, pray only for their own happiness, blessings, and success, seeking until death nothing but worldly concerns—the problems of their families, businesses, relationships, children, and health—offering vain tears and abominable prayers. Yet instead of praying so that through their own pain they might understand the pain of others, through their own suffering they might grasp the suffering of their brothers, and through their own sorrow they might comprehend the sorrows of others in order to receive mercy and love from God, they cry out only for their own tears, their own pain, and their own suffering. Thus, a fleshly faith that pours out nothing but complaints, resentment, hatred, and anger is itself nothing but sin.
For they that are after the flesh do mind the things of the flesh; but they that are after the Spirit the things of the Spirit. For to be carnally minded is death; but to be spiritually minded is life and peace. Because the carnal mind is enmity against God: for it is not subject to the law of God, neither indeed can be.(Romans 8 : 5~7)
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, Meekness, temperance: against such there is no law. And they that are Christ’s have crucified the flesh with the affections and lusts.(Galatians 5 : 22~24)
But put ye on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make not provision for the flesh, to fulfil the lusts thereof.(Romans 13 : 14)
And Jesus said unto him, No man, having put his hand to the plough, and looking back, is fit for the kingdom of God.(Luke 9 : 62)
Whether your sorrow, pain, grief, suffering, affliction, and loneliness become grace, or instead become sin, resentment, and complaint, is determined by whether you live a fleshly life or live the life of Christ—the life of the Spirit—pursuing the love of Christ.
For when ye were the servants of sin, ye were free from righteousness. What fruit had ye then in those things whereof ye are now ashamed? for the end of those things is death. But now being made free from sin, and become servants to God, ye have your fruit unto holiness, and the end everlasting life. For the wages of sin is death; but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.(Romans 6 : 20~23)
If thou put the brethren in remembrance of these things, thou shalt be a good minister of Jesus Christ, nourished up in the words of faith and of good doctrine, whereunto thou hast attained.(1 Timothy 4 : 6)
But speaking the truth in love, may grow up into him in all things, which is the head, even Christ: From whom the whole body fitly joined together and compacted by that which every joint supplieth, according to the effectual working in the measure of every part, maketh increase of the body unto the edifying of itself in love.(Ephesians 4 : 15~16)
That ye might walk worthy of the Lord unto all pleasing, being fruitful in every good work, and increasing in the knowledge of God; Strengthened with all might, according to his glorious power, unto all patience and longsuffering with joyfulness; Giving thanks unto the Father, which hath made us meet to be partakers of the inheritance of the saints in light:…(Colossians 1 : 10~14)
I thank my God, making mention of thee always in my prayers, Hearing of thy love and faith, which thou hast toward the Lord Jesus, and toward all saints; That the communication of thy faith may become effectual by the acknowledging of every good thing which is in you in Christ Jesus.(Philemon 1 : 4~6)
For God is my witness, whom I serve with my spirit in the gospel of his Son, that without ceasing I make mention of you always in my prayers; Making request, if by any means now at length I might have a prosperous journey by the will of God to come unto you. For I long to see you, that I may impart unto you some spiritual gift, to the end ye may be established; That is, that I may be comforted together with you by the mutual faith both of you and me.(Romans 1 : 9~12)
Even as the testimony of Christ was confirmed in you: So that ye come behind in no gift; waiting for the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ:(1 Corinthians 1 : 6~7)
Because they serve God while clinging to the world and material things, their faith pursues nothing but lawlessness, falsehood, evil deeds, and heresies. Such faith is a fleshly faith that can do nothing but repeat sin until death, a faith that dishonors the love of Christ, and an adversarial faith that despises the holy will of God.