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I don’t know what to do. I’ve been raised in a Christian household my entire life and never really paid it any mind. I recently became Christian after having my first existential crisis a couple days ago. I don’t feel any special type of way when god comes to mind and constantly find myself second guessing if I truly believe in god/love god. My prayers seem to do nothing and it feels hopeless. Sometimes I wish that I would die just to find out if god is truly real in the afterlife. What do I do?
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But every man is tempted, when he is drawn away of his own lust, and enticed. Then when lust hath conceived, it bringeth forth sin: and sin, when it is finished, bringeth forth death.(James 1 : 14~15)
Among whom also we all had our conversation in times past in the lusts of our flesh, fulfilling the desires of the flesh and of the mind; and were by nature the children of wrath, even as others….(Ephesians 2 : 3~7)
Whosoever abideth in him sinneth not: whosoever sinneth hath not seen him, neither known him. Little children, let no man deceive you: he that doeth righteousness is righteous, even as he is righteous. He that committeth sin is of the devil; for the devil sinneth from the beginning. For this purpose the Son of God was manifested, that he might destroy the works of the devil. Whosoever is born of God doth not commit sin; for his seed remaineth in him: and he cannot sin, because he is born of God. In this the children of God are manifest, and the children of the devil: whosoever doeth not righteousness is not of God, neither he that loveth not his brother.(1 John 3 : 6~10)
Those who live by the flesh cannot truly believe in God. Moreover, the very fact that you claim to believe in God does not mean that you believe in Him; rather, it is God who is leading you. To serve God while pursuing the world and material things together inevitably results in all kinds of corruption, heresy, and falsehood being repeated. Therefore, even the very attitude with which you believe in God is wrong.
Christians are not truly Christians. They merely struggle along the path of sinners, repeating sin and repentance, sin and repentance, all their lives. If you wish to find the way to truly believe in God, first read the Scriptures.
He that loveth father or mother more than me is not worthy of me: and he that loveth son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me. And he that taketh not his cross, and followeth after me, is not worthy of me. He that findeth his life shall lose it: and he that loseth his life for my sake shall find it.(Matthew 10 : 37~39)
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, Meekness, temperance: against such there is no law. And they that are Christ’s have crucified the flesh with the affections and lusts.(Galatians 5 : 22~24)
But put ye on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make not provision for the flesh, to fulfil the lusts thereof.(Romans 13 : 14)
The Word of God commands us to deny ourselves and even to lay down our lives. This is the true beginning of a true Christian. However, because all religious people and Christians alike serve God while pursuing the world and material things together, they inevitably believe in all manner of corruption, heresy, and falsehood, and thus they cannot help but repeat sin until the day they die. The reason their repentance—of sin and repentance, sin and repentance repeated—becomes nothing more than empty acts is because they cannot abandon the life of the flesh that continually produces sin.
In other words, the problems of Christians—seeking only solutions for worldly life, family problems, business problems, workplace problems, relationship problems, and health problems—are no different from the ideals sought by worldly people and religious people alike. The faith of Christianity today is not the form of true Christian faith, but rather a form that seeks only the lust of the flesh and the lust of the eyes. It is not the form of a true Christian.
The faith of Christ, according to the Word that commands, “Take up the cross and follow Me,” is a faith of sacrifice itself, advancing with the resolve to lay down one’s very life. Any faith that seeks only personal happiness, success, and blessing without self-sacrifice is a dead faith. In other words, the faith of all the Christians around you—and your own faith as well—is no different. Truly, the first step must be to know the very fundamental reason for the existence of mankind.