.
Just a venting about the subject. I had many problems with selfharm and suicide in the teens, now I’m in the beginning of my 20’s and I am still in suffering. I’m 1.0000 millions times better than I used to, but I still suffer. I can say I’m happy in general. I am studying what I love, I work in a good place where I like most of people there, my family is wonderful, and I have friends that love me so much. I’m blessed, but there’s something wrong with me. Some things inside that never let me alone. I can deal with this, but lately it has gotten worse and worse again. It doesn’t matter how much I pray for, when I think I’m completely free, it comes back and I just gave up. I did cuts on myself, I felt it was good and then I did again. I’m really tired, and I want to do again and again as the old times. When I think about God, I want cry. I don’t want to pray, I know I’m hypocritical. I just feel like everything is so hurtful to me, I’m so incredibly sensitive, more than I even know or show. And I have some things that just keeps me stuck in this life, no matter how much I have reasons to smile, it’s so easy to get hurt. I feel I can be so strong sometimes, so stubborn and even inflexible, but part of me is so sensitive that it is almost unbearable . I hate this part, I think it is dumb, ridiculous, pathetic etc. I know that christian path is a process, but sometimes I ask myself desperately if I really am a Christian. The worse : my behavior ending up being a bad testimony for those who don’t know God. Which kind of christian still struggle with the same problems after 6/7 years from conversion ? I am already talking with professionals and Christians wiser than me. It is just a vent. Sorry if it was too confuse.
.
There is someone similar to you. In the midst of a suffocating life, they struggled and stumbled at a young age, asking around and searching with great difficulty until they finally arrived here. This person wrote a daily journal in tears, pouring out their emotions. However, through this place, they experienced the gift of power that comes from following God’s love, which became a turning point in reevaluating the value of their life. Now, they are living a life of Christ, gradually letting go of their stubbornness, rigidity, and hardness of heart, and finding joy and gratitude within God’s love.
The first and most important thing to understand is that being a Christian does not necessarily mean being a true follower of Christ. A true Christian does not live or die for themselves. In other words, a Christ-follower lives with the hope of Christ as their ultimate goal, sacrificing their entire life, values, and even their very existence in pursuit of the love of the cross—receiving the powerful gift of God’s grace.
This is not the hypocritical, self-righteous charity and service that modern Christianity promotes—acts that even worldly corporations and organizations use as mere advertisements. True faith is not about showcasing good deeds for recognition, but about sacrificial love that follows the way of Christ completely.
Hereby perceive we the love of God, because he laid down his life for us: and we ought to lay down our lives for the brethren.(1 John 3 : 16)
For none of us liveth to himself, and no man dieth to himself.(Romans 14 : 7)
Only those who completely abandon their own lives, deny even their own existence, and pursue the love of Christ through the gift of God’s power can truly embody the light and salt of the world, serving as examples and role models.
Religious people, without exception, follow the emotional inspiration and moral lessons of sermons given by their pastors. However, relying on self-driven awareness, resolutions, and commitments will always lead to repeated sin. No matter how much they resolve and commit to change, they inevitably fall back into sin—again and again. The emotional inspiration and moral lessons of sermons can never truly transform, renew, or liberate someone from sin.
People who live in a vicious cycle of sin, repentance, and reflection but fail to put to death their sinful habits and inclinations cannot be changed through sermons or emotional teachings alone. No religion, no belief system, and no personal effort based on self-driven resolutions and determinations can ever truly bring about transformation or spiritual rebirth.
People regret their sins, repent, and reflect, but inevitably return to sin—because they are limited by the weaknesses of the flesh. No matter how many times they resolve to change, they will never be transformed, renewed, or born again. This is precisely why modern Christians fail to be light and salt, failing to set an example for the world.
In reality, they are slaves to sin and children of the devil, yet they do not even realize it. They boast as if they are children of God, as if they are shepherds of the Lord, as if they have received the Holy Spirit, and as if they have attained salvation—but this extreme arrogance has already made them objects of ridicule and scorn among non-believers.
Inside and outside the church, their actions contradict their words, their outward appearance contradicts their inner reality, and their speech contradicts their deeds—this hypocritical double-mindedness brings shame to the holy name of God.
Most of them do not even feel guilt for their deceit. They pretend to be kind, pretend to be good, pretend to be humble, and pretend to be gentle—Yet they feel no guilt or remorse for their double-minded and cunning actions.
As they gradually begin to take their sins lightly, become increasingly bold in their wrongdoing, and justify and rationalize their sins, they fail to cast off the evil nature of humanity. Their consciences grow more desolate, yet they continue to claim to believe in God. However, their faith is solely for their own happiness, success, and prosperity.
Instead of seeking God’s holy will, they attempt to serve both God and the world, pursuing material wealth and distorted beliefs, shaped by heresy and falsehoods. Most Christians today follow only their own interpretations and opinions rather than the true Word of God, which is why they fail to be the light and salt of the world and cannot serve as true examples.
In the past, I too fasted, cried out, and struggled—yet my faith remained one in which I kept repeating sin no matter how much I fought against it. I once prayed for forty days, pleading: “If my life is destined to be one of repeated sin, then either take my life on a day when I have sinned the least, or grant me true rebirth so that I no longer fall into sin.”
I also attempted suicide several times but failed. My prayers were filled with desperate weeping and anguished cries, so overwhelming that they drowned out the sounds of others sobbing at the prayer house.
Even though it was the dead of winter, I wept and groaned for forty days straight—my entire body drenched in sweat, my undergarments soaked as I wailed in agony and desperation.
But then, the gift of love that comes from following God’s love completely transformed my heart. From that moment on, I have lived in gratitude and joy, and love has become my precious companion, always with me.
The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit: a broken and a contrite heart, O God, thou wilt not despise.(Psalms 51 : 16-17)
Trust in him at all times; ye people, pour out your heart before him: God is a refuge for us. Selah.(Psalms 62 : 8)
And rend your heart, and not your garments, and turn unto the LORD your God: for he is gracious and merciful, slow to anger, and of great kindness, and repenteth him of the evil.(Joel 2 : 13)
Sister, the fact that you feel guilt in your conscience proves that you truly belong to God. Not all who call themselves Christians are children of God.
Most Christians today live for their own happiness, success, and prosperity, justifying and rationalizing their fleshly desires—their faith is governed by falsehood, heresy, and excuses.
Instead of seeking the beautiful power of love that works within God’s love, they spend their lives following distorted, heretical, and false doctrines, serving both God and the world while pursuing material wealth.
As a result, they teach and learn based on human opinions rather than the true Word of God, producing no evidence, no power, and no fruit—not even faith as small as a mustard seed.
And Jesus said unto them, Because of your unbelief: for verily I say unto you, If ye have faith as a grain of mustard seed, ye shall say unto this mountain, Remove hence to yonder place; and it shall remove; and nothing shall be impossible unto you.(Matthew 17 : 20)
Jesus said unto him, If thou canst believe, all things are possible to him that believeth.(Mark 9 : 23)
Beloved, if our heart condemn us not, then have we confidence toward God. And whatsoever we ask, we receive of him, because we keep his commandments, and do those things that are pleasing in his sight. And this is his commandment, That we should believe on the name of his Son Jesus Christ, and love one another, as he gave us commandment. And he that keepeth his commandments dwelleth in him, and he in him. And hereby we know that he abideth in us, by the Spirit which he hath given us.(1 John 3 : 21-24)
That thou keep this commandment without spot, unrebukeable, until the appearing of our Lord Jesus Christ:(1 Timothy 6 : 14)
When a prophet speaketh in the name of the LORD, if the thing follow not, nor come to pass, that is the thing which the LORD hath not spoken, but the prophet hath spoken it presumptuously: thou shalt not be afraid of him.(Deuteronomy 18 : 22)
People spend their entire lives consumed by the same worldly worries as unbelievers, offering prayers that are solely focused on themselves—prayers about family issues, children’s problems, relationships, business struggles, workplace difficulties, and health concerns.
However, the truth lies in seeking after God’s will—praying with tears for the strength to overcome sinful habits, for the ability to love even one’s enemies, and for the humility to weep before God over one’s shame and sins.
Only then can one receive the gift of love that flows from God’s beautiful and mighty love—a love that empowers a person to put to death sinful habits and inclinations that cannot be conquered through human willpower, pride, determination, or self-confidence.
For the kingdom of God(the will of God) is not in word, but in power.(1 Corinthians 4 : 20)
All scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness: That the man of God may be perfect, throughly furnished unto all good works.(2 Timothy 3 : 16-17)
If thou put the brethren in remembrance of these things, thou shalt be a good minister of Jesus Christ, nourished up in the words of faith and of good doctrine, whereunto thou hast attained.(1 Timothy 4 : 6)
God is love. Therefore, the power of love, united with love itself, is the truth—it is what leads people to transcend the limitations of human willpower and self-determination and instead receive the divine power of God.
Thus, leave behind sermons that only stir emotions, leading people into a lifelong cycle of repeated sin—sermons filled with mere words and theories that rely on human weakness, resolutions, and commitments. Instead, seek the truth that brings real transformation through the power of God.
But speaking the truth in love, may grow up into him in all things, which is the head, even Christ: From whom the whole body fitly joined together and compacted by that which every joint supplieth, according to the effectual working in the measure of every part, maketh increase of the body unto the edifying of itself in love. This I say therefore, and testify in the Lord, that ye henceforth walk not as other Gentiles walk, in the vanity of their mind, Having the understanding darkened, being alienated from the life of God through the ignorance that is in them, because of the blindness of their heart: Who being past feeling have given themselves over unto lasciviousness, to work all uncleanness with greediness. But ye have not so learned Christ; If so be that ye have heard him, and have been taught by him, as the truth is in Jesus: That ye put off concerning the former conversation the old man, which is corrupt according to the deceitful lusts; And be renewed in the spirit of your mind; And that ye put on the new man, which after God is created in righteousness and true holiness.(Ephesians 4 : 15-24)
Know ye not, that to whom ye yield yourselves servants to obey, his servants ye are to whom ye obey; whether of sin unto death, or of obedience unto righteousness? But God be thanked, that ye were the servants of sin, but ye have obeyed from the heart that form of doctrine which was delivered you. Being then made free from sin, ye became the servants of righteousness.(Romans 6 : 16-18)
For the earnest expectation of the creature waiteth for the manifestation of the sons of God. For the creature was made subject to vanity, not willingly, but by reason of him who hath subjected the same in hope, Because the creature itself also shall be delivered from the bondage of corruption into the glorious liberty of the children of God.(Romans 8 : 19-21)
We know that whosoever is born of God sinneth not; but he that is begotten of God keepeth himself, and that wicked one toucheth him not. And we know that we are of God, and the whole world lieth in wickedness. And we know that the Son of God is come, and hath given us an understanding, that we may know him that is true, and we are in him that is true, even in his Son Jesus Christ. This is the true God, and eternal life.(1 John 5 : 18-20)
Whosoever abideth in him sinneth not: whosoever sinneth hath not seen him, neither known him. Little children, let no man deceive you: he that doeth righteousness is righteous, even as he is righteous. He that committeth sin is of the devil; for the devil sinneth from the beginning. For this purpose the Son of God was manifested, that he might destroy the works of the devil. Whosoever is born of God doth not commit sin; for his seed remaineth in him: and he cannot sin, because he is born of God. In this the children of God are manifest, and the children of the devil: whosoever doeth not righteousness is not of God, neither he that loveth not his brother.(1 John 3 : 5-10)
Receive the fruit and evidence of dwelling in God’s powerful love by experiencing and living out the truth according to His Word.
Tearing your heart open and drawing near to God, who is love, comes through desperation, earnest cries, deep sorrow, and tears before Him. Through this, I have received the gift of God’s power, which enables me to pursue the love of Christ and fulfill the hope of Christ.
I am not referring to the demonic tongues and occult practices that have become trends in modern Christianity. Rather, through the true gift of divine power, my once weary, exhausted, and empty heart—burdened by the struggles of life—has been filled with abundant gratitude and overflowing joy.
This continuous testimony of joy and thanksgiving is a privilege reserved only for those who live the life of Christ—the life of the Spirit.
A faith that follows the world and the flesh while despising God’s holy will is nothing more than a faith of the flesh.
For if ye live after the flesh, ye shall die: but if ye through the Spirit do mortify the deeds of the body, ye shall live.(Romans 8 : 13)
I thank God through Jesus Christ our Lord. So then with the mind I myself serve the law of God; but with the flesh the law of sin.(Romans 7 : 25)
But put ye on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make not provision for the flesh, to fulfil the lusts thereof.(Romans 13 : 14)
But chiefly them that walk after the flesh in the lust of uncleanness, and despise government. Presumptuous are they, selfwilled, they are not afraid to speak evil of dignities….(2 Peter 2 : 10-22)
For they that are after the flesh do mind the things of the flesh; but they that are after the Spirit the things of the Spirit. For to be carnally minded is death; but to be spiritually minded is life and peace. Because the carnal mind is enmity against God: for it is not subject to the law of God, neither indeed can be.(Romans 8 : 5-7)
God’s truth is not the kind of sermon that today’s churches and religions teach—offering only moral lessons and emotional inspiration. It is not about achieving personal success, fleeting happiness, or temporary joy and gratitude. Rather, all the values, sorrows, pains, and sufferings in our lives become the very foundation upon which God’s love is fulfilled.
One day, there was a woman weeping bitterly. God said to me, “Go and deliver My words to her.”
So I said to her:
“Woman, woman! Why do you weep? Your tears have lasted for years, yet they are utterly in vain, meaningless and futile.”
The woman responded:
“Prophet, please tell me why my tears are in vain.”
Then the Lord spoke:
“I give suffering to mankind so that they may understand the pain of their brothers who suffer.
I give pain to mankind so that they may understand the sorrow of their brothers who are in pain.
I give sorrow to mankind so that they may understand the tears of their brothers who live in sorrow.
Yet, why do you cry only for your own suffering, your own pain, and your own sorrow? How can your own tears, your own pain, and your own sorrow bring forth mercy?”
The woman asked:
“Then, Lord, how should I live?”
And the Lord answered:
“My beloved daughter, go down and give all your possessions to the poor.
Be eyes to the blind, be ears to the deaf, and seek Me on behalf of those who grieve and shed tears.
Then, will I not grant you the salvation you have long desired and sought?”
Upon receiving this word, the woman prayed for ten years, and when God finally answered, she danced with joy, exclaiming, “The Lord’s response is truly beautiful and marvelous!”
Sister, right now your conscience—your spirit—is in conflict with your flesh.
Because you do not follow your pure and good conscience but instead give in to the desires of the flesh, your discontent grows. This is why your conscience is becoming increasingly desolate, and as you grow more weary and burdened by life, your emptiness and longing only continue to deepen.
Where in this world can you find someone who can fill this void within your conscience?
.
.
.