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It’s been ten years since I came to know the teacher, and as I pondered what I would say if someone asked me, “What is truth?” and wrote down my thoughts, I looked at my finished writing and realized, “This is the amount and depth of the truth I’ve learned.” It was a moment to confirm my current state. Then, reading the writings of others who live alongside me, I thought, “Each person possesses as much as they’ve written.”
The teacher has often said in the past that when we eat fruit, some look appetizing but don’t deliver their true flavor. Even fruits from the same cluster, receiving the same nourishment, differ in size, shape, and taste—some fail to grow, rot, or are infested with bugs. Through this analogy, he explained that not everyone can receive the nourishment of truth equally. I used to take it lightly and move on, but through this experience, I deeply felt in my heart that those words were meant for us. Reflecting on why I’m lingering in this state instead of growing deeper and broader, as I’ve come to know myself through this opportunity, I see three main reasons: first, my own thoughts and assertions still take precedence, preventing me from accepting it; second, I fail to engrave the rebukes and instructions meant for me deeply in my heart; and third, I should be praying with earnestness and desperation to God, but my heart doesn’t follow.
When I ask myself, “Why do I lack earnestness and desperation?” I realize I’ve been living here with a complacent thought that things will naturally fall into place and I’ll reach my goals as time flows, without seriously facing the cross. As time passed, people I thought would stay until the end began to drop away one by one. Recently, I witnessed the passing of one of our family members, and for a while, I felt heavy in body and mind, thinking, “I, too, could meet such a miserable end.” But human thoughts are deceitful, and like a breeze that passes by, it faded faintly. Though I know in my mind that I’m a sinner before God, that awareness doesn’t pierce my heart to the bone, and because my heart doesn’t reach a deeper standard, I can’t hunger for it myself. My daily life, repeating without significant change, seems to reflect my failure to grow within the truth.
In the end, I lack humility. I, who am not humble, feel like I’ve never struggled or tried hard enough to the point of death in my life so far. I hope that by striving to pray with a desperation as if my life depended on it, my wish might be fulfilled, and with that, I’ll conclude this writing.
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